Eye Doctors, Gardens, and the Circus
by Totschafe
Summary: Life in the Akatsuki isn't just about hunting down the Tailed Beasts or doing missions. The toilets at the hideout back up too, you know. It's rather messy. -Drabbles, crack, OOC-
1. Eye Doctor

Hello there! This is my first Naruto fic. I love the Akatsuki a lot so my friend Vawn and I came up with this at school one day. It's a series of weird things that can either happen to the Akatsuki or that they can do. The first one is Itachi going to the eye doctor since he is just about blind. Tell me what you think!

EDIT: As of May 28th, 2009, I'm replacing all the chapters with some brand new, freshly edited versions! I've made a few changes and hopefully it works out for the best! Of course, just about _everyone_ is OOC. And at the time I wrote this, no one knew who Pain was, or even his name for that matter, so bare with his shadowy-ness!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Chouji would give everyone a giant raspberry cake, including me.

* * *

The Akatsuki were all sitting at the dining table, all staring at Pain who was rubbing his temples, or so it seemed. What could you really tell from a living shadow? "That's it; I have to do something about this."

Deidara raised his hand slowly. "Uh, Pain-sama? When are you gonna tell him, un?"

"When he comes in." As soon as he said that, Itachi walked in looking tired and trying to beat the bed-head monster that had taken temporary residence on his head.

"Mornin'…"

Deidara and Kisame stifled laughs, knowing that if Itachi heard them, they would be dead within minutes, sleepy Itachi or not. Pain looked up at him and sighed. "Itachi, we've come to a decision. You have to go to the eye doctor."

Itachi blinked at them. At the moment, the Sharingan wasn't there and there were only two black eyes instead. He began walking over to the refrigerator with all of the Akatsuki watching him. "Pain-sama, I don't need to go to the eye doctor. I can see just fine." The minute he said that, he walked straight into a wall. He stumbled back and rubbed his head. "Who put a new wall in?"

Sasori stared at Itachi. "That's always been there."

"Has it?"

"Um, yeah, ever since the Akatsuki has been around…"

Pain groaned and closed his eyes. "Seriously Itachi, you need to go get your eyes checked. You're as blind as a bat! You're missing your targets all the time now!"

Itachi turned around and pointed to Pain, but Kisame noted he was looking somewhere over Pain's shoulder. "Hey, that Waterfall ninja guy was moving really fast!"

"…He was riding a giant snail. A two-year-old could have taken him out. You threw ten kunai at him and didn't hit him once."

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence before Itachi hung his head. "Alright, fine. But I bet there is absolutely nothing wrong with me."

* * *

The nearest eye doctor was in the actual Hidden River Village. Pain, Kisame, and Sasori went with Itachi in disguises. No one could recognize them at all. They walked in to the waiting room and Itachi signed in, then sat down. He had to hide the Sharingan because the Kami knows he couldn't see without it. The doctor finally came in. "Yamato Umure?"

Itachi stood up and Kisame looked at him oddly. He only shrugged. "Very distant relation. Like, barely. Okay, he was a victim, so don't say anything…"

Sasori blinked several times. "Like we would…"

Several moments later, Itachi sat in the examination chair and the doctor looked into both eyes with a flashlight. He made a few 'mmm' noises before turning it off. Itachi blinked at him. The doctor then pointed at the seeing chart. "What's on the sixth line?"

"Uhhh…" Itachi squinted in vain of seeing it. He blinked and tried again. "V, 7, B, Q, L…P?"

Sasori looked over to Pain with wide eyes and mouthed the word 'Seven?' with a shocked expression. Pain just shook his head. He looked over to the doctor who wrote something on a clipboard and pointed to the chart again. "Third line."

"L, N, W, 6, K, 5, X?"

Kisame buried his face in his hands in agony and Itachi could tell by the grunt of mental pain that he had gotten them wrong…again. He sighed and the doctor pointed to the chart one last time. "What's the letter on the top line?"

There was an _extremely_ uncomfortable silence and the tension grew thicker than the Samehada. The other three Akatsuki stared at Itachi and in turn, Itachi bit his lip. If he got this wrong, he would be admitting defeat. All of the things he had worked for in life came to this moment. He could NOT fail!

"…B?"

Needless to say, by the time the appointment was over, Kisame needed a defibrillator and Sasori had to reattach his head. Pain had almost murdered Itachi right then and there. Itachi, on the other hand, was quite happy when the doctor announced that there was a solution. The happiness faded when the doctor said he would have to get one thing he dread…glasses.

* * *

_Two Weeks Later_

"So, let me see them, un." Deidara looked up at Itachi, Kisame, and Pain who had come back from another eye doctor appointment to get Itachi's glasses, which he only had to use when he wasn't using the Sharingan.

Itachi shamefully reached into a bag and opened a black glasses holder and lowered his head as he put his glasses on. He very slowly brought his head up…

This time, Deidara could not hold back his laughter. Itachi looked like the biggest nerd ever to fall into existence. The glasses were square and very thick since his vision was so bad.

Instantly, Itachi shoved the glasses back into the bag and ran to his room (he hit the door on accident). Pain looked over at Kisame who had his hand over his mouth and was snorting in laughter. "Do you think we should tell him he can get contacts?"

"Nah, we can wait."


	2. Lemonade

Yo! This is kind of a short one, inspired by me doing gardening the other day and having to deal with stupid spiny weeds from the deep underworld. It's more about Deidara making lemonade, so that's why the chapter is titled 'Lemonade'. The real gardening chapter will come later. Deidara is one of my favorite characters, so I'm dedicating this chapter to him and his artistic cuteness. Yay Deidara! I'm also taking suggestions. I already have two and they'll be written very soon! Yay me!

EDIT: For the newly-edited chapters, I'm not putting the remaining Akatsuki in YET. Why? Because I'm lazy. :p You'll see them soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Deidara would come up to random characters and give them a lovely glass of Deidara-style lemonade!

* * *

If there was one thing the Akatsuki hated the most, it was when Pain got "brilliant" ideas that forced them all to do something very stupid against their will. Everyone knew that the Akatsuki were all just volunteers. They could do whatever they wanted and when they were tired of it, they just left their ring with Pain and walked off to do whatever they pleased (under the secret threat of death, of course). Yet, they still did everything he told them to do without question, though they could easily beat him until his body parts were in abnormal places as far as they were concerned. There was no logic in the organization.

One such example of this logic was when Pain came into the hideout almost spastically since he nearly ran over Deidara. "I have the best idea ever!"

Everyone looked down and Sasori got his irritable expression on. "Here we go again…"

Pain's Rinnegan eyes became very proud. "I have decided that we should turn the front of this hideout into the best garden ever!"

Deidara looked up in fear, his one eye wide. "You're kidding me, un."

"No, I'm not."

Itachi blinked unemotionally, as usual. "Pain-sama, we don't have a front yard. If you've forgotten, this hideout is a cave in the proverbial middle of nowhere. The only thing close to a garden that we have is a big patch of dirt, a few trees, and more weeds than imaginable."

Pain looked back at Itachi with a similar expression. "We have morning glories."

"You sicken me."

They all heard a whimper come from Deidara and turned to see him sitting on the ground in a fetal position, rocking back and forth miserably. They turned to Sasori and Kisame blinked at him. "What's wrong with him?"

Sasori shook his head. "He had a bad experience with a patch of those spiny weeds a few months ago. He tried pulling some but didn't realize he was allergic to them and got a really bad allergic reaction. He was in the infirmary for a week and wouldn't go outside for two months. He'll never get near another one ever again."

Pain sighed and began walking to his office-thing (which was just a big stone table, a chair, and a very nice pen he got from the eye doctor's office). "He's excused from garden work. He'll just make lemonade for everyone."

Deidara perked up when he heard that and grinned. "I can do that, un!"

Itachi shook his head and got up to go to his and Kisame's room. Zetsu watched him with half-interest. "Where are you going?" his white half said.

"To my room… I'm not participating in something so stupid."

The black half of Zetsu grinned maliciously. "So the great Itachi Uchiha can't handle a D-Ranked mission, huh?"

Itachi stopped in his tracks and turned around slowly. Sasori, Deidara, and Kisame turned away. If there was one thing they learned about Itachi that Zetsu apparently hadn't learned yet, it was never to tell Itachi that he can't handle something. It's insulting an Uchiha, and that's not healthy. Itachi's Sharingan eyes turned fiery. "What did you just say?"

"I said, you can't handle a D-Ranked mission!"

In a split second…not even that, Zetsu was on the other side of the room, upside down, with a huge dent on his plant-head and a white half yelling at a black half. "You idiot! You should know better than to tell him that he can't do something!"

"Well _sorry_!"

Out of nowhere, Itachi got his hat and put it on, then marched outside. He was _going_ to do the gardening work, even if his dignity depended on it. _No one_ told Itachi Uchiha that he can't garden. Kisame gulped and followed him, then Sasori, then Zetsu (reluctantly), and finally Pain. Deidara ran off to the kitchen to begin his lemonade making duties.

* * *

The five gardened for several hours under the hot sun with only their hats and oversized cloaks protecting them. Pain was still all shadowy and so on and Itachi was the only one who wasn't getting some sort of tan. (In fact, Kisame's skin was getting very toasty, Sasori was getting burn marks since he's a puppet, Zetsu was starting to wilt, and everyone swore that they were starting to see Pain's actual skin.)

Deidara ran in and out, bringing cups of lemonade out and having a great time. He was leaping around the garden-to-be like an idiot. That is, until he saw one of those spiny weeds, then he panicked and ran back inside and didn't come out for a whole hour.

By the sixth hour of gardening, you could tell who was planting where. Itachi's part was all neat and organized, Kisame's was overflowing with water and he dug everything up with the Samehada, even going as far as chopping the weeds up with it. Zetsu's was growing in abundance, Sasori's was all mismatched since he was from the middle of the desert and the only plants he ever saw were tumbleweeds, and Pain's was just kind of there, though they could tell he had planted Deadly Nightshade somewhere in there.

At the end of the day, they decided to go in. Everyone was hot, sweaty, and tired. Itachi went to go take a shower first because he would kill anyone who got there before he did. Everyone else went to go take a nap, except Sasori. He stayed in the dining room to plan a new puppet and talk to Deidara. "That was good lemonade Deidara. How did you know how to make it?"

"I don't. This was my first time making it, un."

"But we didn't have any directions."

"I know that too. I did everything just by how I thought it looked and what people told me about it, un."

Sasori looked up thoughtfully and tilted his head. "…Deidara… I just realized something. We never had any lemons around here."

"I know, un."

"What did you use?"

"I peed in a cup and added a lot of sugar. Why do you think it took me so long to bring you guys lemonade, un? I had to drink a lot of water!"

In the end, the rest of the night was spent having to listen to Sasori throw up and Deidara's screams as Itachi tortured him with a spiny weed. It was a very productive day.


	3. Picnic

Ahead of time, I apologize for my horrible Spanish. I used Babelfish. :p So if anyone is fluent in Spanish and wouldn't mind helping me, I would be overjoyed!

Translations:  
First lobster thing means: Come on boys! We have to get him out of this maniac's house! Hurry!  
Second: This is revenge for giving Pedro third-degree burns.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Sasuke and I would be doing unmentionable things while everyone else did awesome ninja moves!

* * *

"Not again…"

"Aw, c'mon! It'll be fun!"

"No."

"Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"I'll give you anything you want!"

"I'd rather die."

Pain was pleading to the members of the Akatsuki to follow another genius plan, but they all stared at him evilly, especially Deidara who still had marks from the hives he got while getting attacked with the spiny weed. Pain had been acting like an idiot lately anyway, not like the grand leader he was supposed to be. "It's just a picnic! After all, you made the garden look so nice!"

"At the cost of our stomachs because of the idiot over there." Itachi said, his anger growing as he pointed at Deidara, who shrunk into his seat in shame.

"But we'll make Sasori make food instead!"

"Pain-sama… I'm a puppet. I don't eat anything except wire."

"Zetsu?"

Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Fertilizer."

"Kisame?"

"Plankton and little fish."

"You?"

"You trust me with making food?"

"Good point… Tobi?"

"…You're kidding me."

"No, I'm serious. He wants to be in the Akatsuki at any cost right? What if we told him that if he made the best picnic lunch ever, he could be in the Akatsuki?"

"He'd most likely explode. But we'd be lying to him."

"Lying is what we do."

"That may be, but no one except Zetsu likes him."

"So?"

Itachi looked at the rest of the Akatsuki, who all nodded at him. He sighed and shrugged. "Fine, but if something goes wrong…"

Kisame grabbed the hilt of the Samehada. "We'll do pirate-style mutiny…"

Pain's eyes gleamed and his shadow body shook with excitement. "Thank you! Zetsu, go get Tobi!"

Zetsu got up and nodded, his black half grinning maliciously. "This is going to be great."

So Zetsu found Tobi sitting on a rock somewhere and poked him in the shoulder. Tobi turned around and his one eye somewhat brightened when he saw the evil flytrap. "Zetsu-san! Do I get to be in the Akatsuki yet?!"

"Not yet, Tobi."

Tobi sniffed under his mask. "But…Tobi is a good boy!"

The white half talked to Tobi while the black half had to hold back his laughter. "That's why I came to find you. Pain-sama decided that we should have a picnic. He said if you made the best picnic lunch ever, you could be in the Akatsuki."

Tobi nearly had a heart attack. "Seriously?!"

Zetsu nodded and Tobi began convulsing in happiness. A bunch of words came out of him which Zetsu couldn't quite make out. He began to walk away with a psychotic Tobi following him.

As soon as the two (and a half) got back to the hideout, Tobi ran into the kitchen and began making as much food as possible. Zetsu watched in amazement as Tobi ran from the oven to the counter, to the refrigerator, and anywhere in between in a matter of seconds.

Itachi just happened to walk by and blinked at the sight (he had his glasses on, by the way). He glanced over at Zetsu. "Does he have chakra in his feet or something?"

"No, he's just over-excited."

"I noticed." Then the blind Akatsuki member walked away.

Within an hour, Tobi had enough food to feed everyone in Hidden Sand, Hidden Cloud, and Hidden River all put together. The Akatsuki looked in the kitchen, their eyes as wide as dinner plates. Sasori had to hinge his jaw back together after it fell off. Deidara nearly fainted. Everyone else was just in silent shock. Itachi was the first one to speak. "Who wants to try it first?"

No one moved. Tobi looked at everyone and blinked. "Isn't that what a picnic is for?" They nodded, still shocked. So a picnic basket magically appeared in Tobi's hand and he threw all the food in there happily.

* * *

Within a few minutes, everyone was walking up a hill to the 'magical picnic village' as Tobi called it. It was just a little field where picnics happened and whatnot. Pain was wearing a sunhat and almost considered putting a sundress on until Itachi held a kunai up to his neck and said he didn't want to be anymore blind than he already was.

So they all sat down while Tobi placed the food on the classic red and white plaid picnic towel-thing. There was a very wide assortment of food there. Turkey, chicken, sea monkeys for Kisame, fertilizer, dango, barbeque sauce-covered wire for Sasori, and anything else anyone ever desired.

Itachi gulped and reached for the dango with fear. He ate some of it and everyone watched for his reaction. He swallowed it and something extremely rare and glorious happened…Itachi actually smiled. For the second time that day, Deidara fainted. Kisame was prepared and put some sunglasses on. And everyone swore they felt the plates in the earth shift. Volcanoes erupted and tsunamis washed out the entire population of Hawaii. Sasori began screaming. "CURSE YOU TOBI! YOU RUINED THE NATURAL ORDER!"

Itachi put on his regular face again and shrugged. "It's good."

All chaos in the world stopped and went back to normal. People in Hawaii wondered what the heck just happened.

So next was Deidara who ate a chicken leg. He smiled and ate more. "Tobi, this is really good!"

Under Tobi's scary mask, he smiled proudly. "All those years I wasn't bothering you guys, I was at cooking school!"

::Flashback::

Young Tobi stood in front of an oven, a chef's hat on. He smiled and sang to himself. "Floo da doo da doo a sprige doo! A floo a viroo a boo! BORK BORK BORK!" He grabbed a lobster as his teacher came up to him.

"Now Tobi, show me your technique in making fried lobster!"

"That's easy!" He pointed at the lobster happily. "This is the lobster!" He stuffed it in a pot of boiling water and fought it as it began trying to get out. He began hitting it violently with a wooden spoon. "Down lobster! Bad lobster! No cookies for you!"

Soon, out of nowhere, a mariachi band started to play and a group of little red lobsters in tiny black sombreros and little pistols came in. Tobi and his teacher stared at them in shock. The leader looked around. "Venido en muchachos! Tenemos que conseguir a nuestro amigo de la casa del maniaco! Prisa!" The little lobsters got their friend out and he thanked them, then ran away. The leader looked around.

"Nobody move…"

Then he ran away too. Tobi grinned sheepishly. "Ehehehe…"

::End Flashback::

Tobi sighed at the memory and looked at everyone. They all stared blankly at him. He looked at them sideways. "What? It's true!" They just nodded and ate the food with some hesitation.

Later on, when they got back, everyone was tired from eating so much. Tobi grinned maliciously and walked up to the very tired leader. "So can I be in the Akatsuki now?"

"Ya sure, whatever. I need a nap. DEIDARA! Get some pillows!"

"Get 'em yourself!"

And that was how Tobi _really_ got into the Akatsuki.

* * *

Tobi lay in his bed that night, thinking about the wonderful facts of that day. That is, until he heard the unmistakable sound of a mariachi band. He opened his eyes to see the figure of the tiny lobster leader hovering over him. "Ésta es venganza para dar quemaduras del tercero-grado de Pedro!" And the lobster proceeded to beat Tobi up with a wooden spoon.


End file.
